Feelings and Food - Untangling the Web

This is likely the most personal post I have made to date and have procrastinated for three days in writing because I feel so naked in it all. This is so personal, in fact, I have not told a single sole about this nor have any words left my lips on the topic.

It has been a challenge of mine to really connect with my inner child on a regular basis and begin to hear her and what she needs and wants. I think this is key for me to making different choices and creating intentional behaviour rather than continuing my habitual responses to various stimulus.

I move fast in my life - slow is not a gear I default to. I have made great strides over the years in slowing down in my mind and translating that to my body and life. Still, connecting to my inner self happens mostly in coaching sessions for me.

I was sick last week and chose to take it slow, not work out and rest whenever possible. One day I woke up and was feeling very quiet in my head and my body felt very slow. It was like the volume and speed on everything about me was turned down, and I loved it. The equisite place of noticing all that I was and that around me was really cool! I noticed a very clear connection to my inner child that day and consciously asked her what she needed. She replied quickly, yet softly, that she wanted to feel taken care of and needed rest. That was exactly what I did for the day.

The next day I was feeling more myself and yet I was consciously working on holding that connection to her. I had a client cancel around noon so I treated myself to a yummy lunch. Before I go any further, I need to say that I have always had emotional eating issues. In my early years I new it but I didn't know enough to make the connections as to why and what need I was filling. In my early twenties my eating was pretty out of control, and yet based so much around control. I have been doing really well in the past decade and yet I still know there is an underlying emotional tie to food that I had not yet discovered. I use food to console and reward myself while not going crazy about it. I have always known that I eat and crave empty carbs when I am tired and brushed it off to the physiological need for quick energy when the body is feeling fatigue.

Back to my lunch. I was not overly hungry but hungry enough to eat. After I ordered I was making an internal agreement with myself about how much I was going to eat (I am referring to the ridiculously over-sized portions served at restaurants). I was hearing and feeling how tired my inner child was and wanted her to continue to feel taken care of. My meal arrived and I took a deep breath (breathing deeply while eating helps me to slow down and stay conscious) before digging in. While I was thoroughly enjoying the taste and texture in my mouth, I wondered what it was about food that felt so good, specifically when I was tired. I wondered, not asked, without expecting an answer from anyone, and yet there is was. Just as soon as I finished the last word of my question, there was a clear, loud and concise response. It was as if my inner child showed up at the table with me in all her bold and matter-of-fact ways and said to my face, "It feels like love". I sat in shock staring at the wall and yet not really seeing anything. In all my years of creating conscious relationship with food and my body, I had never heard anything so clear, blunt and so simple.

As I continued to slowly eat and process what had just happened, I made some further connections. When my inner child is tired, she is screaming out for me to slow down, preferably stop, and rest or have a nap (not always possible in the work day but cancelling other engagements and going to bed early is!). I think she got tired of asking because I never listened so she made the connection that instead of truly being taken care of, feeling loved, she would be fed. Not just anything, something tasty, and sometimes lots of it to equate to the lack of true love she was getting. Eating food does stimulate a hormonal response in the body that is a 'feel good' thing, which is why the web of food and feelings starts at a young age. If we never grow past that infantile connection and begin to experience love in relationships, to where we eat only to provide nutrition and energy to our bodies, while providing equal amounts of exercise and rest, the web gets even more complicated and stronger.

I have always known that carb loading in the evening or late at night is just a way of my body saying it needed rest so I would usually go to bed instead of eating. What I didn't realize is that my inner child was speaking to me all that time and I was not hearing her.

I am moving forward with the awareness of how much my inner child wants to feel loved and taken care of. She really does not want food at all, even for a reward. She would rather experience true love. This awareness is profound for me and I am so grateful for the impact this is, and will have on my life. I am grateful for my inner child for showing up so clearly and unmistakably that I could not help but hear her words. I am moving forward embracing her with love and no longer making excuses or substitutions for the real deal.

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790 aly@alypain.com www.alypain.com