The Extrovert Exponent

I recently returned from a trip to Europe with my two boys to visit my husband. No, Jeff does not live over there. He is crazy enough to be a Skeleton athlete and travel extensively in the winter season to compete on the World Cup Circuit (see http://www.jeffpain.ca/ for more details). When Jeff is away for almost two months, our family does not do so well on all fronts. We had the opportunity to go over to visit for two weeks this year, so we took it.

After the first three or four days of strongly wanting to come home and not enjoying myself, I really starting asking myself what was going on. I mean there I was in Europe, travel that some people have never come close to,and I was having a terrible time. I had told Jeff I was loosing respect for myself as I noticed I was behaving like a stray dog hanging around his feet just waiting for any scraps of his time to be thrown my way. Jeff is a very committed athlete and during the competition season that commitment takes many hours of the day. We are all very clear this is not a family holiday or vacation. This is the opportunity to be together for a few meals and perhaps a few hours in the day. A lesser evil than being apart for two months straight.

Then the light went on. I am an extrovert. Not just a little, a lot! I recently completed a Myers-Briggs evaluation with a client I was working with and I scored a very clear, 30/30 on the extrovert scale. So, for a very clear extrovert to travel to a foreign country, with a foreign language, in a tiny village with less to do than at home, while staying in a very small but clean hotel with two children is my idea of insanity. I am alone with my kids most of the time with little other contact from adults. I love my kids and for the most part they are very well behaved. That is not it for me though and even when they are on their best behaviour having fun together, I feel totally trapped, isolated and alone, as if my brain is melting and my chest is caving in.

I always wondered if children are so important to me, why did I feel this way when I am with them so much? I am very clear that I love them so what was the deal? Now it all made sense. I had always known I felt better with someone else around when the boys were both home and very young. I would have other moms over or go their houses often for play dates and just feel so much more sane. Again I wondered, why is this so difficult for me? Then I would notice I was the mom I wanted to be (patient, creative, etc) when other adults were around and questioned whether I was pretending for image or ego. Nope. I really AM more sane with other adults around because I am an extreme extrovert!

Funny in all the personal development and coaching I have done, I have always extended understanding to introverts and their needs but never applied the same understanding to the extrovert side of the scale where I live. I am speaking of how introverts find it very emotionally tiring to be around other people for long periods of time and need to be alone or quiet to recharge. Never did I think that being alone for me feels like being tied up, gagged and extremely exhausted. That says a lot from someone with seemingly endless energy! I never had compassion for my extrovertness that needs to recharge around other adults and without that, I actually feel tightness in my chest, my whole body starts to shut down and I just want to sleep. In fact, for years after Jeff would leave on a long trip I would get a really bad cold AND need about 11 hours sleep every night to make it through. Hhhhmmm, I think my body has been trying to tell me something!!

The other thing I noticed is that when I am alone with my kids for a long time, I also do not experience freedom. Freedom is one of my top, have to have values. I can be alone and happy, as long as I feel freedom. If I am with my boys for a long time with Jeff away, I better have some adult company to help my extrovert or things get really off center.

I realize now how much more I need to honour my extrovert and how shut down I get in the winter seasons with Jeff away (only 14 more months to go by the way!!). My first idea is having friends over for dinner. Doesn't need to be fancy and we all need to eat. Thanks Jillian for doing that with us tonight. I already feel more 'normal'.

This is a perfect example to me of how simple things can be. When I stop trying to psycho analyse myself, get coaching or coach myself, the answer was so clear and so simple. It was like I was pretending not to know a fundamental and fantastic characteristic about me and turn it all into some problem to be solved. What are you pretending not to know right now? What is possible if you stop resisting and work with what is?

Look out everyone!! The Extrovert Exponent has been released!