I covered a number of different angels on the apology in my last post, and yet there seems to be more. There is something really big in this for me because since I wrote Part 1 last week, I have been thinking about this non-stop. As I think and write, I am really asking myself what my learning is in all this juicy stuff?
What if I have apologized to someone for an action and they did not feel it was "good enough"? Ever had this happen? At first I was insistent that I would not do it again and play into what I thought was emotional manipulation. I knew without a doubt in my mind that the first around I meant it with all my heart, so why should I have to do it again? Is this person wanting a validation of me being wrong to the degree that no matter how many times I might give the apology, it would never be enough? Each time I apologize are they feeding their need to hear me admit my wrong and therefore how victimized they were? Or is it possible that they might hear my words in order to mend and move forward? I have been feeling very torn on this, swaying from defensive and full of ego to just now feeling sad and compassionate. I think this is a personal boundary line we need to draw for ourselves after much thought and consideration.
The tipping point for me came when I decided how much I value the relationship. That was when I pushed my ego out of the room and felt a wanting to apologize again, in the way that is being asked of me. Whether or not this relationship returns to a rich and alive status or not, I value it greatly. I am not saying that if you don't value the relationship you should not be accountable for your actions. An apology is matter of honouring others and personal integrity to me whether I even know the other party or not.
Now to the 'How' of the apology. Seems there is great weight and argument for both versions; writing and in-person. Politicians and Corporations like the written style as it is a concrete and tangible statement admitting wrong and wanting to mend ways. The more places this document can be posted or published the better! Close and more personal relationships seem to beg for the in-person style so there is face to face contact. There is power in being witnessed both in the giving and the receiving of the apology.
As a Relationship Coach, I make my life about rich, healthy, sustainable relationships. In doing so I regularly check my ego and how it is playing a part in my participation in these relationships. I see now how it tried to get me this time in being all puffed up and defensive and right about my position about how I already apologized once. All that got in my way of seeing how greatly I value my relationship and what I hold is possible in it. Am I willing to apologize over and over? No. More than once, yes.
This topic has been quite a river for me, with rapids and whirlpools and calm pools. I would love to hear about your thoughts or experience on what 'apology' has meant to you.
Be well,
Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
aly@alypain.com http://www.alypain.com/ 403-246-2399
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Power of the Apology
Well, I am sure I am not the only person who has either hurt someone or has felt hurt by someone else. If you are not in either of these two groups, keep reading anyway!
What it is about an apology that works for the two (or maybe more) sides involved? I was thinking about this all day while driving and many curious angels became available.
I know there has been many times in my life that I have apologized for actions of any magnitude and in hindsight, it was simply to stroke my ego. Seriously, think about it. I get to think I am such a great person because I apologized to you. Why do Canadians say sorry more than most other countries?? Because we are so NICE!! That may or may not be true but we certainly feed not only our own self perception with that line but we also have other countries buying in.
A long time ago I took a course where the Leader had a strong policy about apologies in his life that he brought to all his work. He was strictly abiding by the dictionary definition of sorry that he had found somewhere (I was unable to find one matching his). It was "to be truly repentant", with repentant meaning I will never do that same thing again. Now, to say to anyone that I will never repeat an action, regardless of how silly, inappropriate, foolish, careless, etc, again would be pretty tough, don't you think? So, in his courses if someone were to apologize to another he would have them pay strict attention to whether they could clearly say they would not repeat that action. I don't entirely agree with this but I do see how it points to how over used and subsequently watered down our apologies have become. I think there was a time where it was a precious and weighted word that truly held great value when being expressed. It just seems to slip out now without conscious thought because it has become so cultural to say it, and say it often.
When you say "I am sorry", regardless of the degree of what was done, do you really mean it? Are you remorseful, regretful, sad for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another (those were the words I found in the dictionary.com)? I challenge you to think about that the next time you hear those three little words slip out of your mouth.
There are still two other angels that I found juicy and curious. What if it is you who is waiting for an apology from someone else? What exactly are you waiting for that is going to happen when you hear or read those three little words? I really am asking this question today. I do agree there is something validating about being on the receiving end. Sort of like an acknowledgement that the wrong doing actually occured. There also seems to be a whale sized fish hook here that gets me and I think many others caught and then stuck. You see, an apology is meant to be a way of mending so to continue in a forward motion. I think there are far too many times where waiting for an apology is like saying "see, I told you I was right about how wrong you were!!!". The apology comes and then we get hooked into somehow keeping score about being right and now I am in fact stuck in the past about how right I was and likely also hanging on the hurt. It is also like forcing accountability on others in that after they give the long awaited apology, I get to make SURE they know they need to clean up the mess they made. Hhhhhhmmmm, now who is not being accountable???
What about forgiveness? What if after the apology I still don't feel positive about the person or situation? Perhaps there is more weight on sending forgiveness than in receiving an apology. The kicker is that the forgiveness (giving up all hope for a better past) requires me to look at me and what I am holding on to rather than continuing to look outward and wait for others to realize their wrong, like in the apology. I think forgiveness holds abundantly more power because it only requires me and I can take the steps toward it and send it (metaphorically speaking) at any time, without staying stuck in the past and waiting on others. I am always at choice to keep moving forward.
So, what is the power in the apology for you (receiving or giving)? Which will you choose next time, the apology or forgiveness?
There is still more to this so stay tuned for Part 2 next week. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Be free,
Aly
What it is about an apology that works for the two (or maybe more) sides involved? I was thinking about this all day while driving and many curious angels became available.
I know there has been many times in my life that I have apologized for actions of any magnitude and in hindsight, it was simply to stroke my ego. Seriously, think about it. I get to think I am such a great person because I apologized to you. Why do Canadians say sorry more than most other countries?? Because we are so NICE!! That may or may not be true but we certainly feed not only our own self perception with that line but we also have other countries buying in.
A long time ago I took a course where the Leader had a strong policy about apologies in his life that he brought to all his work. He was strictly abiding by the dictionary definition of sorry that he had found somewhere (I was unable to find one matching his). It was "to be truly repentant", with repentant meaning I will never do that same thing again. Now, to say to anyone that I will never repeat an action, regardless of how silly, inappropriate, foolish, careless, etc, again would be pretty tough, don't you think? So, in his courses if someone were to apologize to another he would have them pay strict attention to whether they could clearly say they would not repeat that action. I don't entirely agree with this but I do see how it points to how over used and subsequently watered down our apologies have become. I think there was a time where it was a precious and weighted word that truly held great value when being expressed. It just seems to slip out now without conscious thought because it has become so cultural to say it, and say it often.
When you say "I am sorry", regardless of the degree of what was done, do you really mean it? Are you remorseful, regretful, sad for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another (those were the words I found in the dictionary.com)? I challenge you to think about that the next time you hear those three little words slip out of your mouth.
There are still two other angels that I found juicy and curious. What if it is you who is waiting for an apology from someone else? What exactly are you waiting for that is going to happen when you hear or read those three little words? I really am asking this question today. I do agree there is something validating about being on the receiving end. Sort of like an acknowledgement that the wrong doing actually occured. There also seems to be a whale sized fish hook here that gets me and I think many others caught and then stuck. You see, an apology is meant to be a way of mending so to continue in a forward motion. I think there are far too many times where waiting for an apology is like saying "see, I told you I was right about how wrong you were!!!". The apology comes and then we get hooked into somehow keeping score about being right and now I am in fact stuck in the past about how right I was and likely also hanging on the hurt. It is also like forcing accountability on others in that after they give the long awaited apology, I get to make SURE they know they need to clean up the mess they made. Hhhhhhmmmm, now who is not being accountable???
What about forgiveness? What if after the apology I still don't feel positive about the person or situation? Perhaps there is more weight on sending forgiveness than in receiving an apology. The kicker is that the forgiveness (giving up all hope for a better past) requires me to look at me and what I am holding on to rather than continuing to look outward and wait for others to realize their wrong, like in the apology. I think forgiveness holds abundantly more power because it only requires me and I can take the steps toward it and send it (metaphorically speaking) at any time, without staying stuck in the past and waiting on others. I am always at choice to keep moving forward.
So, what is the power in the apology for you (receiving or giving)? Which will you choose next time, the apology or forgiveness?
There is still more to this so stay tuned for Part 2 next week. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Be free,
Aly
Monday, September 15, 2008
But I Like Things The Way They Were....!!!
I recently spent a second 3-day stay in children's hospital with my son after a cold induced, serious asthma attack. This is all new to me as previous to one other incident, he has never been really sick let alone in the hospital.
After a meeting with the Pediatric Asthma Clinic and our GP, we have agreed upon a treatment plan that should avoid us staying at the ACH hotel again soon!
I realized after I got home with all this information and medication and the hows and whats to explain to my husband, I was angry! I don't want this for my kids (my younger son also has asthma) and I feel exasperated just trying to remember both of their health routines on top of the making lunches, brushing teeth, homework and all the rest.
With a little more thought I realized there were two things going on. I needed to grieve. Part of my anger was that I wanted it to be the way it was with my kids. Anyone would look after them, they required love but no special instructions or medication. I wanted to only think about the million other things when I was packing for a day trip or vacation and not have to add these new health items to the pile. Why, why, why?????! This anger and underlying sadness really surprised me and was quite intense until I gave it space to show up and dissipate.
The other part of my anger that was playing in was my top value of Freedom. With even just a few more things added to our regular routine my value or freedom was feeling squished. I love my kids, just never considered them to be high maintenance. My freedom was kicking and screaming in my head during most of our time at the hospital in the 10x10 room (it really is a great place with fabulous staff :)), and now off to all the follow up appointments and getting prescriptions.
So, how do I move forward and include or release my experiences in a constructive way? Well, my boys are old enough to take some of the responsibility themselves. They know that as part of the teeth brushing routine, there is medication that goes along with that. I also have asked my husband for assistance when packing that we buddy up to remember the medication. I am honouring my value of freedom by getting the medications right because then the incidents of asthma attacks are much less, as are the chances of going back the hospital. I am holding the intention that my boys will both grow out of this childhood issue and free from this and any other health afflictions very soon.
What are you hanging on to in the past that has changed? What do you need to do to catch up to how it is now? That may seems like a very large step in some cases. I guarantee you it will be worth the work to do it, so get on it!
Be well,
Aly
After a meeting with the Pediatric Asthma Clinic and our GP, we have agreed upon a treatment plan that should avoid us staying at the ACH hotel again soon!
I realized after I got home with all this information and medication and the hows and whats to explain to my husband, I was angry! I don't want this for my kids (my younger son also has asthma) and I feel exasperated just trying to remember both of their health routines on top of the making lunches, brushing teeth, homework and all the rest.
With a little more thought I realized there were two things going on. I needed to grieve. Part of my anger was that I wanted it to be the way it was with my kids. Anyone would look after them, they required love but no special instructions or medication. I wanted to only think about the million other things when I was packing for a day trip or vacation and not have to add these new health items to the pile. Why, why, why?????! This anger and underlying sadness really surprised me and was quite intense until I gave it space to show up and dissipate.
The other part of my anger that was playing in was my top value of Freedom. With even just a few more things added to our regular routine my value or freedom was feeling squished. I love my kids, just never considered them to be high maintenance. My freedom was kicking and screaming in my head during most of our time at the hospital in the 10x10 room (it really is a great place with fabulous staff :)), and now off to all the follow up appointments and getting prescriptions.
So, how do I move forward and include or release my experiences in a constructive way? Well, my boys are old enough to take some of the responsibility themselves. They know that as part of the teeth brushing routine, there is medication that goes along with that. I also have asked my husband for assistance when packing that we buddy up to remember the medication. I am honouring my value of freedom by getting the medications right because then the incidents of asthma attacks are much less, as are the chances of going back the hospital. I am holding the intention that my boys will both grow out of this childhood issue and free from this and any other health afflictions very soon.
What are you hanging on to in the past that has changed? What do you need to do to catch up to how it is now? That may seems like a very large step in some cases. I guarantee you it will be worth the work to do it, so get on it!
Be well,
Aly
Monday, September 8, 2008
A Time to Celebrate!
Today is a day that I have looked forward to for 7.5 years. I knew that long ago that I would make it to today, I just never knew how on some days. I chose to stay home with my kids when they were young, along with working part time for a few years.
This morning my two boys hopped on the bus and went off to school. I was home, alone, by 8:10am! I love my children dearly but I am not the mom with tissue in hand, tears in her eyes as she waves goodbye to them on their first day of school. I feel some emotion around nostalgia and how far they have come, sure. However, I am more the mom who plans this day months in advance and how I will spend each precious moment while my children are safe and having fun at school.
So, after knowing this day would come, what did I do? Well, I had a fabulous workout, took care of some e-mails and then enjoyed lunch with a friend and last of all, had coffee with another friend. The two values I felt most challenged to meet while being at home with my kids all those years was the freedom to go places without them and the time to really connect with those I enjoy. Now that my boys are getting ready for bed I feel very full and delighted with how I celebrated my day. We also had a family celebration at dinner so they could share their experience of today.
This is end of one chapter in my life and I am asking myself the following questions today.
1) What is it I am most wanting to celebrate?
2) What have I learned that I will take forward from here?
The answers....
1) I celebrate that I made it! Being a stay at home mom was one of the hardest things I ever did and overall, I did a great job. My kids and I spent quality time together going to activities and playing with toys and crafts. I love who they are today and I think that is because they were with me in the early years. I am also celebrating that I have an education and career underway and get to go full time on that now rather than starting from the beginning today.
2) I learned that I need to be more compassionate with myself. There is such a fallacy out there that when women have children they will, of course, be totally fulfilled in every moment of raising them. Not true. I love my boys more than words, and I love them even more when I have made time for myself to be filled up. I ask for help and receive support more. I learned I need to ask for what I need in my marriage and negotiate ways to thrive, not just strive. I learned that sobbing and feeling sorry for myself may feel good, but it will not get me what I want. Even sympathy from myself and others does not serve to create a healthy change. I learned that I can forgive myself for the times I felt inadequate as a mother. The truth is, my children already have.
Today may not be the end or beginning of a chapter for you, and yet the same questions still apply. What are you celebrating about your recent accomplishments? What did you learn that serves you moving forward?
I would love to hear your answers!
Be fantastic.......
This morning my two boys hopped on the bus and went off to school. I was home, alone, by 8:10am! I love my children dearly but I am not the mom with tissue in hand, tears in her eyes as she waves goodbye to them on their first day of school. I feel some emotion around nostalgia and how far they have come, sure. However, I am more the mom who plans this day months in advance and how I will spend each precious moment while my children are safe and having fun at school.
So, after knowing this day would come, what did I do? Well, I had a fabulous workout, took care of some e-mails and then enjoyed lunch with a friend and last of all, had coffee with another friend. The two values I felt most challenged to meet while being at home with my kids all those years was the freedom to go places without them and the time to really connect with those I enjoy. Now that my boys are getting ready for bed I feel very full and delighted with how I celebrated my day. We also had a family celebration at dinner so they could share their experience of today.
This is end of one chapter in my life and I am asking myself the following questions today.
1) What is it I am most wanting to celebrate?
2) What have I learned that I will take forward from here?
The answers....
1) I celebrate that I made it! Being a stay at home mom was one of the hardest things I ever did and overall, I did a great job. My kids and I spent quality time together going to activities and playing with toys and crafts. I love who they are today and I think that is because they were with me in the early years. I am also celebrating that I have an education and career underway and get to go full time on that now rather than starting from the beginning today.
2) I learned that I need to be more compassionate with myself. There is such a fallacy out there that when women have children they will, of course, be totally fulfilled in every moment of raising them. Not true. I love my boys more than words, and I love them even more when I have made time for myself to be filled up. I ask for help and receive support more. I learned I need to ask for what I need in my marriage and negotiate ways to thrive, not just strive. I learned that sobbing and feeling sorry for myself may feel good, but it will not get me what I want. Even sympathy from myself and others does not serve to create a healthy change. I learned that I can forgive myself for the times I felt inadequate as a mother. The truth is, my children already have.
Today may not be the end or beginning of a chapter for you, and yet the same questions still apply. What are you celebrating about your recent accomplishments? What did you learn that serves you moving forward?
I would love to hear your answers!
Be fantastic.......
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