The Power of the Apology

Well, I am sure I am not the only person who has either hurt someone or has felt hurt by someone else. If you are not in either of these two groups, keep reading anyway!

What it is about an apology that works for the two (or maybe more) sides involved? I was thinking about this all day while driving and many curious angels became available.

I know there has been many times in my life that I have apologized for actions of any magnitude and in hindsight, it was simply to stroke my ego. Seriously, think about it. I get to think I am such a great person because I apologized to you. Why do Canadians say sorry more than most other countries?? Because we are so NICE!! That may or may not be true but we certainly feed not only our own self perception with that line but we also have other countries buying in.

A long time ago I took a course where the Leader had a strong policy about apologies in his life that he brought to all his work. He was strictly abiding by the dictionary definition of sorry that he had found somewhere (I was unable to find one matching his). It was "to be truly repentant", with repentant meaning I will never do that same thing again. Now, to say to anyone that I will never repeat an action, regardless of how silly, inappropriate, foolish, careless, etc, again would be pretty tough, don't you think? So, in his courses if someone were to apologize to another he would have them pay strict attention to whether they could clearly say they would not repeat that action. I don't entirely agree with this but I do see how it points to how over used and subsequently watered down our apologies have become. I think there was a time where it was a precious and weighted word that truly held great value when being expressed. It just seems to slip out now without conscious thought because it has become so cultural to say it, and say it often.

When you say "I am sorry", regardless of the degree of what was done, do you really mean it? Are you remorseful, regretful, sad for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another (those were the words I found in the dictionary.com)? I challenge you to think about that the next time you hear those three little words slip out of your mouth.

There are still two other angels that I found juicy and curious. What if it is you who is waiting for an apology from someone else? What exactly are you waiting for that is going to happen when you hear or read those three little words? I really am asking this question today. I do agree there is something validating about being on the receiving end. Sort of like an acknowledgement that the wrong doing actually occured. There also seems to be a whale sized fish hook here that gets me and I think many others caught and then stuck. You see, an apology is meant to be a way of mending so to continue in a forward motion. I think there are far too many times where waiting for an apology is like saying "see, I told you I was right about how wrong you were!!!". The apology comes and then we get hooked into somehow keeping score about being right and now I am in fact stuck in the past about how right I was and likely also hanging on the hurt. It is also like forcing accountability on others in that after they give the long awaited apology, I get to make SURE they know they need to clean up the mess they made. Hhhhhhmmmm, now who is not being accountable???

What about forgiveness? What if after the apology I still don't feel positive about the person or situation? Perhaps there is more weight on sending forgiveness than in receiving an apology. The kicker is that the forgiveness (giving up all hope for a better past) requires me to look at me and what I am holding on to rather than continuing to look outward and wait for others to realize their wrong, like in the apology. I think forgiveness holds abundantly more power because it only requires me and I can take the steps toward it and send it (metaphorically speaking) at any time, without staying stuck in the past and waiting on others. I am always at choice to keep moving forward.

So, what is the power in the apology for you (receiving or giving)? Which will you choose next time, the apology or forgiveness?

There is still more to this so stay tuned for Part 2 next week. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Be free,
Aly