Stories and Stress

Everything I am to myself and others is made up. Everything you think about me from what you know is also a made up story. We are all doing it all the time about everything and everyone around us including ourselves in relation to our world.

I am realizing more and more the BS (basic stories, of course) that I make up not only stresses me out, it creates distance between me and other people and has me live outside of the moment.

For instance, in a relationship with another coach friend Gord and I, I have a lot of stories. I make up who he is based on what I know and what I don't (oh yes, we all make up stories about what we don't know to fill in gaps). I have stories about who I am in that relationship, what Gord thinks of me and what I think about our relationship. All these stories create my reality and have me be conditioned to stimulus of every kind. My reality is at least 50% made up and yet I hold it at the Truth in order to feel safe and sorted.

“Change your thoughts and change your world.”
~ Norman Vincent Peale

This quote was made even more popular from the movie "The Secret". What if it were possible? I am not just talking about getting new stories, I am talking about going beyond the stories and conditioning.

My friend Gord and I were doing a coaching dyad at a workshop and got to a stuck place in the 10 minute assignment. I put up my hand to ask for clarification. When I was asked what we needed, I said, "Well, Gord and I already know each other really well...". The facilitator looked me in the eye and clearly stated, "That is your problem". You see, it was all the stories that were getting in the way. I needed to come from a place of not knowing in order to access what more was there (the Johari window is a great diagram for this). A place where I could go beyond all my stories about Gord, myself and our relationship. I turned back to look at Gord and felt the tears well up in my eyes. I felt a deep sadness about what I had been missing and the gap I had created. In that moment I crossed the gap to experience a deep peace, love and curiosity about this other being across from me. I really got how we are spiritual beings having a human experience. What a moment!

"What someone else thinks of me, is none of my business"
~ Wayne Dyer

I think this quote really speaks to staying out of the story and being present to myself and others.

Stress is all just stories and conditioning too. I make up all kinds of things about how I am going to feel based on how my day went or how my kids did (or did not :)) behave and what that will say about me. Oh, and I have to clean my house for the play date today or what will other people think?? I make up BS stories all the time that do nothing other than stress me out. So, with this new realization about going beyond the story what is available?

Well, I am sure willing to let go of a bunch of stories. Nothing outside of me matters so much and I feel enormously empowered to fight my perfectionist and all her stories. I want to be in the moment with myself and others and nature. The other day I watched the steam rising, swirling and dancing off my hot tea as the sun beam from my window brought it even more alive. Now that was being in the moment and the story about the state of my kitchen felt galaxies away.

How do you go beyond your stories that stress you out? Start by writing them down or talking them through. You will be amazed how many you have and particularly your emotional reaction to some of them. Choose different stories or better yet, let them go and make it none of your business from here on. Pretend it is all unknown and get curious. I know this will profoundly change my coaching as I now choose a perspective of not knowing anything at all and step more fully into curiosity. Try it on!

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790 aly@alypain.com www.alypain.com

All We Need Is Love, Love, Love...

Yes, you know the song. It really does makes things sound simple and I think that part is true. This world complicates everything and has situations seem far more stressful and complicated than they really are.

Let's take the "lead a horse to water" example. Have you ever tried pulling a 1500 pound horse to anywhere it does not want to go? I owned a horse for years and I am telling you, you are wasting your time and energy. This is much like how we are in relationship.

Every tried getting someone to change by dragging them there? You know what I mean. I don't like how you do this or that or be a certain way so I am going to be your teacher and show you the new way. Don't you see how much better it is my way and how willing I am, and loving, to show you? That would be pulling. Then there is pushing the horse. That is a bit more of the disgust, contempt or condemnation route. Whenever the other person does that ridiculous behaviour or displays that annoying emotion (notice the judgement), I make sure they know how 'less than' they are. Don't you see that I am at least willing to tell you the truth about you and do you the favour of not embarrassing yourself or annoying others? Ewwww, yuck!

Have you ever been the horse? I think we all have at one point or another. Although both the pulling and/or pushing approach may work for some, I wouldn't bank on them. You see there is one underlying message that goes with both that is toxic in a relationship. It is the message that somehow or someway, I am not OK. There is some part of me that you deem as less than, not normal, wrong, bad, etc. I notice in just writing that statement I have a physical reaction to recoil. I feel defensive and as if I should be in protection mode. Being the horse, I will definitely pull back at least equally as hard as you are pulling or pushing. I may even be stronger and go further in the direction you don't want me to go. Horses will do that by usually a few steps. When I don't feel safe I am definitely not moving!

So how do you get the horse to move? Well, what if you went and stood beside the horse and got to know them and what it is like for them over there? This is a powerful relationship tool that is far under rated. We are so set on being right that forget about compassion and love. The definition of compassion states - deep awareness of another's situation or feelings, along with the desire to relieve the stressor. Notice that the first part is having some understanding of where the other person is at first? When you stand beside the horse and befriend them where they are, they will almost always follow you if you begin to walk.

I know for sure that any change that has occurred in my life has only been when I am feeling fully accepted and loved for where I am at first, before the change. If I don't feel safe and loved there, you can forget me ever wanting to move away or release that belief/behaviour. I find the same is true is my clients. They actually need to be made right about where they are first before any change begins to happen.

Love - joyful acceptance. When we are loved we move. When we feel loved and accepted change occurs with a greater sense of ease.

I want to make it clear I am not saying you should stay in any relationship that is unsafe physically or emotionally. I am also not saying that a toxic relationship is a good place to be. I am saying that even in those situations, pushing or pulling will not work. It may not be you that sends the love needed for that other person to make the changes they want (key point, what THEY want), but it will come from someone.

What do you need to stand in a place of love for someone in your life? Someone who is driving you crazy or dragging you down? Maybe it is something in you that is wanting to feel loved and not made wrong, so it can surface and then dissipate. Take all the energy of the pushing and pulling, and put it in love. All we need is love.

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790 aly@alypain.com http://www.alypain.com/

The Price of Perfection

I spent this Thanksgiving Weekend away with family and really enjoyed relaxing and spending time together. I also had the opportunity to have dinner with friend and share my feelings of overwhelm with a strong desire for clarity around how I spend my time. I had recently written a list of all the external roles and commitments I have in my life, along with those that might be pending. That was eye-opening in itself! As soon as I finished the list I knew that was too much and felt even more stressed out.

As I was talking to my friend I realized that a few of the roles on my list were about my ego. They were going to be fun and match my personality, but created more stress and provided only momentary fulfillment. One of the roles was actually going to provide great learning and experience (and my ego loved it) for where I want to go in life. The reality of it was the timing was not urgent and could be done next year when I am complete on a few more things, or maybe even the following year.

After this discussion, I felt so empowered and free and clear about how my ego was having me say yes to so many things that in the end were very stressful to juggle. I think these commitments were weighing me down more than I thought and just having that weight lifted by my own awareness was like flying! Yes, free, flying and excited! Just in time to go to bed. I slept for just a few hours that night completely aware of this being the first time in a while that I was not laying awake stressing over tasks not completed, in fact quite the opposite. I laid there revelling in the invitation to aliveness from coming to my own awareness through directed conversation and then standing in the choice to say yes to my spirit and no to my ego. This is what coaching is about and the moment I hope for all those I have the opportunity to work with.

I awoke the next morning feeling just as alive and ready for the day as I may have on 10 hours sleep. I felt pretty, beautiful, complete and whole. I loved myself and those around me. It was a powerful experience and distinctly different from the mornings of the previous months. All I could think of was wanting to savour it.

I arrived home today and noticed something very shocking. I walked in the door to my house and my mind looked around and saw only what had not been done. My body started moving faster to keep up with my mind as my blood pressure rose. What the heck was going on with me??

The Perfectionist was back! I had worked on this with my coach about 10 months ago and really thought we licked it, but my how stealthily she had come back. One of the most powerful coaching tools I learned around this issue is to write a biography about my gremlin (saboteur, call it what you will) in order to really get to know her wants and fears. I realized the negative talk she has been playing in my head for so long but was on such a subliminal volume I didn't always hear it. Either that or it was really loud and I had made that nonsense 'normal' in my mind. Regardless, I could hear her and I did not like it. She was calling me lazy, incompetent, fat, useless, stupid and a myriad of other insults that I choose not to write here. I think you get the point.

My questions was, why only in my home? I have known for a long time that I feel far more at peace when I am on vacation or at someone else's house. Is she such a true bully that she only plays this tape when I am at home? Like other bullies that are coward's outside of their place of power, does she fear when I am not home and can not get to me? I feel sad to think of the price I am allowing her in my house. I feel frantic and stressed and literally panicked about 'getting it all done'. I never sit down, not even to eat, and rarely when guests come over. I get grumpy and am not present in relationships with my husband and kids because that ever building task list is like a migraine boom box in my head. All I can think is, "will you please leave me alone?? Don't you see how much I have to get done?? And if you cared at all you would offer to help!" I see she is also a victim and martyr on top of bully. You see the point of the biography of her is that the more I know of her vices, the less grip she will have on me.

I am far from free of her at this point. Awareness is the key that leads to conscious choice. I choose to be free. I am free. There may always be a task list and I will prioritize it daily and do what I do, then leave the rest for tomorrow. I want more from life than rushing around tyring to say I got it all done. I want rich relationships and to be present for them. Tasks are like taxes and death. They will always be there but they don't need to run my life like a bull with ring in it's nose.

Do you have a saboteur? Look closely at the times when you say, "I hate it when I am like this!" or "Why do I keep doing this?". They are great starting places in getting know what has been running you.

Today I am Thankful for awareness.

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790 www.alypain.com aly@alypain.com

Left Brain or Right?

I had the amazing opportunity to listen to some of my Podcasts while driving a few weeks ago. Amazing because with two boys having focused time to listen to anything from adults, for adults is precious to say the least!

I was listening to a 4 part interview between Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor and Oprah from the Oprah Spirit channel. You may have heard of or seen Dr. Taylor on the Internet as her powerful and insightful speech at this years TED talks has been flying around desktops like the most positive virus to hit our consciousness. Dr. Taylor is a Neuroanatomist (Brain Scientist) who had a massive stroke in her left brain, was conscious through the entire event, and then lived to share her experience after a full recovery 8 years later. Her book is called "My Stroke of Insight" and is a quick read I also recommend.

So why am I writing about this? Well, there is some really powerful knowledge that only Dr. Taylor can share given her prior education around the brain and then being privy to such an event going on in her brain that I think we can really learn from.

The left brain we all know and love. It is our language center, our ego, numbers, time/space continuum, judgements, linear processor (serial), motor skills, task and list lover and so on. Our world trains the left brain and rewards the left brain every where we go. This is the part of our brains that has us be separate from each other, all different and distinct entities.

The right brain some of us know and others have not visited in so long there needs to be a good dusting going on. This is the big picture part of us, creative, connection to all things, dreams, parallel processor, this present moment, learns kinisthetically, thinks in pictures, takes in information through the senses and sees us as whole and complete.

Which side do you live in most? What have you made up about the other side? What do you make up about others who live more in one side than the other?

I think I was predominantly a right brain person. I also think that did not work well in the environment I grew up in and have developed many parts of my left brain because of that. When I was listening to the 4 interviews I noticed I felt a real sadness at how much I left my right brain behind and allowed my 'always mach 1 speed' left brain to run the show. Being a mother of two boys, a wife, entrepreneur and all those other hats that I see live in my left brain keep me very busy you know! Doing what and what for I am now asking? I think I have made that endless list of tasks far more important than they need to be and in doing so have stopped honouring that hugely creative part of me. Yes, there are certain things I would like done so my day and my family's day runs well. But I seem to have lots that sense of balance in myself.

So what of my ego? After I finished listening I noticed my ego everywhere. Like a water leak, it was seeping into my every thought and even trying to have me think it had faded into the wallpaper, but was totally necessary there. Caught cha'! There it is again! How much of your stress and busy life is in keeping up with your own ego? Are you willing to look?

I know that the piano I want to play that sits behind me will be used more from now on. I am already being more conscious around all my relationships to be in the present moment with a childlike curiousity. I am also resigning from some volunteer posts I have held to not be spread so thin and have time to 'sit and smell the roses'.

Now, I don't agree with everything Dr. Taylor has to say. I do think her perspective is fascinating and worth a listen. Why not start now? Close your eyes, take a deep breath and quiet the chatter of the left side. What is available to you here?

Here is the link for the video of her speech and the interview series. Let me know what you think!
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080512_oaf_oss_jboltetaylor

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
403-246-2399 aly@alypain.com www.alypain.com