The Price of Perfection

I spent this Thanksgiving Weekend away with family and really enjoyed relaxing and spending time together. I also had the opportunity to have dinner with friend and share my feelings of overwhelm with a strong desire for clarity around how I spend my time. I had recently written a list of all the external roles and commitments I have in my life, along with those that might be pending. That was eye-opening in itself! As soon as I finished the list I knew that was too much and felt even more stressed out.

As I was talking to my friend I realized that a few of the roles on my list were about my ego. They were going to be fun and match my personality, but created more stress and provided only momentary fulfillment. One of the roles was actually going to provide great learning and experience (and my ego loved it) for where I want to go in life. The reality of it was the timing was not urgent and could be done next year when I am complete on a few more things, or maybe even the following year.

After this discussion, I felt so empowered and free and clear about how my ego was having me say yes to so many things that in the end were very stressful to juggle. I think these commitments were weighing me down more than I thought and just having that weight lifted by my own awareness was like flying! Yes, free, flying and excited! Just in time to go to bed. I slept for just a few hours that night completely aware of this being the first time in a while that I was not laying awake stressing over tasks not completed, in fact quite the opposite. I laid there revelling in the invitation to aliveness from coming to my own awareness through directed conversation and then standing in the choice to say yes to my spirit and no to my ego. This is what coaching is about and the moment I hope for all those I have the opportunity to work with.

I awoke the next morning feeling just as alive and ready for the day as I may have on 10 hours sleep. I felt pretty, beautiful, complete and whole. I loved myself and those around me. It was a powerful experience and distinctly different from the mornings of the previous months. All I could think of was wanting to savour it.

I arrived home today and noticed something very shocking. I walked in the door to my house and my mind looked around and saw only what had not been done. My body started moving faster to keep up with my mind as my blood pressure rose. What the heck was going on with me??

The Perfectionist was back! I had worked on this with my coach about 10 months ago and really thought we licked it, but my how stealthily she had come back. One of the most powerful coaching tools I learned around this issue is to write a biography about my gremlin (saboteur, call it what you will) in order to really get to know her wants and fears. I realized the negative talk she has been playing in my head for so long but was on such a subliminal volume I didn't always hear it. Either that or it was really loud and I had made that nonsense 'normal' in my mind. Regardless, I could hear her and I did not like it. She was calling me lazy, incompetent, fat, useless, stupid and a myriad of other insults that I choose not to write here. I think you get the point.

My questions was, why only in my home? I have known for a long time that I feel far more at peace when I am on vacation or at someone else's house. Is she such a true bully that she only plays this tape when I am at home? Like other bullies that are coward's outside of their place of power, does she fear when I am not home and can not get to me? I feel sad to think of the price I am allowing her in my house. I feel frantic and stressed and literally panicked about 'getting it all done'. I never sit down, not even to eat, and rarely when guests come over. I get grumpy and am not present in relationships with my husband and kids because that ever building task list is like a migraine boom box in my head. All I can think is, "will you please leave me alone?? Don't you see how much I have to get done?? And if you cared at all you would offer to help!" I see she is also a victim and martyr on top of bully. You see the point of the biography of her is that the more I know of her vices, the less grip she will have on me.

I am far from free of her at this point. Awareness is the key that leads to conscious choice. I choose to be free. I am free. There may always be a task list and I will prioritize it daily and do what I do, then leave the rest for tomorrow. I want more from life than rushing around tyring to say I got it all done. I want rich relationships and to be present for them. Tasks are like taxes and death. They will always be there but they don't need to run my life like a bull with ring in it's nose.

Do you have a saboteur? Look closely at the times when you say, "I hate it when I am like this!" or "Why do I keep doing this?". They are great starting places in getting know what has been running you.

Today I am Thankful for awareness.

Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790 www.alypain.com aly@alypain.com