Burning Learnings for a New Year

Well, the day has arrived. It is December 31, 2008 and we are on the brink of ringing in new year. This is a day of reflection, celebration and anticipation for me and I am going to put it all in writing this year, right here. I hope you Take 2 and go through this process with me.

This is a simple, yet really powerful exercise that I use with my clients at the end of a year, a specific time period, end of a contract or after the accomplishment of a goal. I think we often go so fast in our lives, and even faster in our brains, that we miss the richest part of what we are to be noticing, celebrating and taking with us to out next tests and lessons life brings us. If I am truly being prepared for a larger role in this world, I might get there faster if I take the time to lock in what I have done over the last year.

This is a series of questions that come in no particular order. Just be sure to really take time to write and reflect and go deeper than your first 'in-your-head' response.

What are you celebrating about your life in 2008?

I love this question because once I start I just realize how much of my life is a gift. In fact, in light of a high school friend's death last week, my life itself is a gift. I am celebrating the success of my business. I began with two little boys and working 2.5 hours a day and I am now full time, certified twice and undergoing my third in Team and Relationship coaching. This is where I wanted to be back in the fall of 2006. I am celebrating my boys and my relationship with them, along with my marriage and fabulous husband. We have tremendous support from family and friends and live in an amazing community. I am so grateful for our church and roles I have the opportunity to play there.

I am celebrating my health and I love my body more and more every day. I am especially glad that my sister, diagnosed with Breast Cancer in May, is doing very well and staying the survivor side in her health.

I am celebrating revelation. I have had another great year of 'onion peeling' and a-ha moments that are such gifts for me in finding my personal journey so juicy. I think revelation is a beautiful way of being set free and flying a little higher each time.

Speaking of revelation, I am going to risk here and write it down. I am so incredibly grateful for the revelation of Jeff and I writing a book on relationship and elite performance success. It is huge calling forth for us as individuals and our marriage as we move from our family doing Jeff's big game, to us having our own HUGE game.

What is (are) your greatest learning(s) from 2008?

My greatest learnings were around relationship boundaries, food and emotions and fully honouring who I am. I mean a FULL ON extrovert when I say that.

I have learned that by putting anyone else's physical or emotional needs above mine on a continuous basis, I end up playing loose/win and it all falls apart. It does not matter how good my intentions were or what I was trying to create. Pretending I don't have boundaries that must be honoured in relationship is a recipe for disaster, some very hurt feelings and perhaps the end of a friendship.

Ego is a big monster that will never fully be fed. I need to do what ever it takes to stay conscious of my ego so it does not completely overtake me or a particular situation. Dr. Wayne Dyer describes ego as "Edging God Out". I completely agree.

I am about as extroverted as they come and although I knew that about myself, I dimmed down and ignored that part of me calling it 'self-management'. Well, that works sometimes but not most of the time for years upon years. This is who I am, how I was made, and I am going to stop apologizing for it.

I have learned that food is just a symptom of other things in my life.

My relationship with my husband goes to a whole new level when we have a big, juicy game to play.

What has been the impact of those learnings?

I know that being afraid of how another person might react in the moment is no reason for not fully showing up with the right intentions. I speak my truth in relationship more as I continue to unfold and show with boundaries.

I feel so at peace about really acknowledging my extrovert. I have noticed that peace in my eating habits with very little emotional eating. Seriously, years of my life make sense now!

I love noticing my ego. Just that awareness is so great because she is so funny in how much it is all about her and the lengths she will go to to be right about that!

I don't beat myself up for what I ate or did not. I look past that to what value is really feeling stepped on here and how can I honour that instead.

Jeff and I talk regularly about the book and how we will be together playing that game. I think it has brought huge purpose, excitement and drive to our marriage.

How will you put your new awareness into action in 2009?

I am doing more relationship check in's. You know, like temperature checks to find out how things are going and what needs to be paid attention to.

I am honouring my extrovert by doing video news and service leading at my church, as well as Team Coaching. This alone is a HUGE part of putting a balance to my emotional eating because as I said, it is not about the food.

I call out my ego when I notice it. Helps to ground me and get back to what is true in my heart.

I will be writing a book with Jeff!!

What are your goals for 2009?

I am going to complete my third certification in September (ORSCC).

Have website updated in text and photos.

Get 5 more relationship or team coaching clients

Jeff and I will have completed the book and have it ready for editing by September 2009.

Spend time with friends more (lunches) and LAUGH more often!

What is your dream for 2009?

We would love to take the speakers course by Jane Atkins and be booked for two gigs.

A publisher would hear about our book and want to take it on.

Two warm weather trips with a beach and water!

Have my sister be free of any cancer.

To be debt free and have a waiting list for clients.

I think that is it for now. There is always more to look for and learn from as I write and I hope the same goes for you. I wish you a safe, healthy and happy New Year. Farewell 2008, hello to 2009!!

Aly Pain, CPCC, ACC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
ph. 403-246-2399 fx. 403-263-8790 www.alypain.com aly@alypain.com
"Success is not external shining in; it's internal radiating out"

Shovelling and Discovering

Here in Calgary we have all been shovelling an unusual amount of snow. I don't mean meters of it but it seems almost every day for a while there was enough to go out and find the sidewalk and driveway again.

I don't mind shovelling actually, even when it is really cold like the past few weeks. I am very particular so I like it to be done very soon after the snow has stopped (given that is in the daytime) or regularly during a long snow spell. I remember being the mom with the stroller and trying to get some fresh air during those long, snowy winters and feeling so frustrated at the people that made pushing a stroller very difficult because they did not shovel their walks.

Now as coach, I use a lot of metaphors. Even the ones that seem simple and corny have great value. Our language is so limited relative to our range of emotion and experience and metaphors really seem to bridge that gap. This time, I am using the metaphor of shovelling snow.

I think my life, mind, spirit and body are like my driveway and sidewalk. They need to be cleared of junk all year round. Sometime the layer of junk is thick and sometimes it is thin, just like the recent snow falls.

When the layer is thin, I even miss seeing it at first. Those are times when I need support, like my coach, to even see it before I slip on it and hurt myself. Or perhaps before others slip on it and get hurt just from trying to get close to me. Those layers can be tricky and I need to go slow and where 'grippy' shoes to clear that off.

When the layer is thick, I might need to take a few tries at it to get the job done. I need to be compassionate with myself and allow for some rest in order to avoid burn out while getting the job done. I might even need to ask for help if there seems too much to go it alone. This kind of job requires the right posture so I don't hurt myself in all the metaphorical lifting.

Then, there is the weather. There are times of year that clearing off my junk layers seems all too cold and I would rather stay inside where it is warm and comfortable. These times call for some extra layers of protection and calling me forth to go where it feels uncomfortable to get the job done. I might need support to get out in the cold every day, even when staying inside seems like a much better option.

This week I have been taking my extrovert insight (see my last post), and going outside with it. I am acknowledging the way I was made and asking to have dinner with friends and making it clear I will be continuing when Jeff is away again next month. I am keeping my space clear around that topic and being with people and experiencing freedom often, even when it seems the more difficult choice, because I know I feel better that way. I am so glad to have shovelled through that mess and got to the clear driveway, my insight, to enjoy my rewards. The most impactful has been around food. I have felt challenged with emotionally eating for years and although I have done extensive work around this, having the Extrovert Exponent has been truly freeing. It's like my body found peace. I am not hungry as often and am eating well without the anxiety of the process. Really profound for me.

If this season were a metaphor for your life, what would it be? Really lean in to your imagination and get creative. What action is it calling you to? Make comment and let me know. In the meantime, keep shovelling and discovering! Get the support and tools you need for the job and get going. You will reap rewards that last a lifetime, and you are worth it!

Merry Christmas,
Aly Pain, CPCC, ACC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
aly@alypain.com www.alypain.com p. 403-246-2399 f. 403-263-8790

The Extrovert Exponent

I recently returned from a trip to Europe with my two boys to visit my husband. No, Jeff does not live over there. He is crazy enough to be a Skeleton athlete and travel extensively in the winter season to compete on the World Cup Circuit (see http://www.jeffpain.ca/ for more details). When Jeff is away for almost two months, our family does not do so well on all fronts. We had the opportunity to go over to visit for two weeks this year, so we took it.

After the first three or four days of strongly wanting to come home and not enjoying myself, I really starting asking myself what was going on. I mean there I was in Europe, travel that some people have never come close to,and I was having a terrible time. I had told Jeff I was loosing respect for myself as I noticed I was behaving like a stray dog hanging around his feet just waiting for any scraps of his time to be thrown my way. Jeff is a very committed athlete and during the competition season that commitment takes many hours of the day. We are all very clear this is not a family holiday or vacation. This is the opportunity to be together for a few meals and perhaps a few hours in the day. A lesser evil than being apart for two months straight.

Then the light went on. I am an extrovert. Not just a little, a lot! I recently completed a Myers-Briggs evaluation with a client I was working with and I scored a very clear, 30/30 on the extrovert scale. So, for a very clear extrovert to travel to a foreign country, with a foreign language, in a tiny village with less to do than at home, while staying in a very small but clean hotel with two children is my idea of insanity. I am alone with my kids most of the time with little other contact from adults. I love my kids and for the most part they are very well behaved. That is not it for me though and even when they are on their best behaviour having fun together, I feel totally trapped, isolated and alone, as if my brain is melting and my chest is caving in.

I always wondered if children are so important to me, why did I feel this way when I am with them so much? I am very clear that I love them so what was the deal? Now it all made sense. I had always known I felt better with someone else around when the boys were both home and very young. I would have other moms over or go their houses often for play dates and just feel so much more sane. Again I wondered, why is this so difficult for me? Then I would notice I was the mom I wanted to be (patient, creative, etc) when other adults were around and questioned whether I was pretending for image or ego. Nope. I really AM more sane with other adults around because I am an extreme extrovert!

Funny in all the personal development and coaching I have done, I have always extended understanding to introverts and their needs but never applied the same understanding to the extrovert side of the scale where I live. I am speaking of how introverts find it very emotionally tiring to be around other people for long periods of time and need to be alone or quiet to recharge. Never did I think that being alone for me feels like being tied up, gagged and extremely exhausted. That says a lot from someone with seemingly endless energy! I never had compassion for my extrovertness that needs to recharge around other adults and without that, I actually feel tightness in my chest, my whole body starts to shut down and I just want to sleep. In fact, for years after Jeff would leave on a long trip I would get a really bad cold AND need about 11 hours sleep every night to make it through. Hhhhmmm, I think my body has been trying to tell me something!!

The other thing I noticed is that when I am alone with my kids for a long time, I also do not experience freedom. Freedom is one of my top, have to have values. I can be alone and happy, as long as I feel freedom. If I am with my boys for a long time with Jeff away, I better have some adult company to help my extrovert or things get really off center.

I realize now how much more I need to honour my extrovert and how shut down I get in the winter seasons with Jeff away (only 14 more months to go by the way!!). My first idea is having friends over for dinner. Doesn't need to be fancy and we all need to eat. Thanks Jillian for doing that with us tonight. I already feel more 'normal'.

This is a perfect example to me of how simple things can be. When I stop trying to psycho analyse myself, get coaching or coach myself, the answer was so clear and so simple. It was like I was pretending not to know a fundamental and fantastic characteristic about me and turn it all into some problem to be solved. What are you pretending not to know right now? What is possible if you stop resisting and work with what is?

Look out everyone!! The Extrovert Exponent has been released!