I covered a number of different angels on the apology in my last post, and yet there seems to be more. There is something really big in this for me because since I wrote Part 1 last week, I have been thinking about this non-stop. As I think and write, I am really asking myself what my learning is in all this juicy stuff?
What if I have apologized to someone for an action and they did not feel it was "good enough"? Ever had this happen? At first I was insistent that I would not do it again and play into what I thought was emotional manipulation. I knew without a doubt in my mind that the first around I meant it with all my heart, so why should I have to do it again? Is this person wanting a validation of me being wrong to the degree that no matter how many times I might give the apology, it would never be enough? Each time I apologize are they feeding their need to hear me admit my wrong and therefore how victimized they were? Or is it possible that they might hear my words in order to mend and move forward? I have been feeling very torn on this, swaying from defensive and full of ego to just now feeling sad and compassionate. I think this is a personal boundary line we need to draw for ourselves after much thought and consideration.
The tipping point for me came when I decided how much I value the relationship. That was when I pushed my ego out of the room and felt a wanting to apologize again, in the way that is being asked of me. Whether or not this relationship returns to a rich and alive status or not, I value it greatly. I am not saying that if you don't value the relationship you should not be accountable for your actions. An apology is matter of honouring others and personal integrity to me whether I even know the other party or not.
Now to the 'How' of the apology. Seems there is great weight and argument for both versions; writing and in-person. Politicians and Corporations like the written style as it is a concrete and tangible statement admitting wrong and wanting to mend ways. The more places this document can be posted or published the better! Close and more personal relationships seem to beg for the in-person style so there is face to face contact. There is power in being witnessed both in the giving and the receiving of the apology.
As a Relationship Coach, I make my life about rich, healthy, sustainable relationships. In doing so I regularly check my ego and how it is playing a part in my participation in these relationships. I see now how it tried to get me this time in being all puffed up and defensive and right about my position about how I already apologized once. All that got in my way of seeing how greatly I value my relationship and what I hold is possible in it. Am I willing to apologize over and over? No. More than once, yes.
This topic has been quite a river for me, with rapids and whirlpools and calm pools. I would love to hear about your thoughts or experience on what 'apology' has meant to you.
Be well,
Aly Pain, CPCC
InnerPiece Life & Relationship Coaching
aly@alypain.com http://www.alypain.com/ 403-246-2399
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1 comment:
Hey Aly; I've been lurking on your blog... enjoying your posts!
Just thinking it was ironic that, while you intended to use the word "angles" around forgiveness that you used "angels"... always the true need for me when needing to give or seek forgiveness!
Anyway, I also think there's a lot to address around "trust" on this topic... that we can feel that we have completely apologized and/or forgiven somebody but it doesn't mean we will open ourselves to further interaction anytime soon... and in some ways it would not be wise to even consider doing so.
Talk to you soon (see you tonight?)
D
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